Teletubbies Live!
by William H. Bonnie
Summary: The Teletubbies perform in front of a studio audience for the first time in their storied 20 year history.


N: For all intents and purposes, this episode of Teletubbies is filmed before a live studio audience.

*Teletubbies come out of their hole one by one. Then cue opening.

(We now go LIVE to the TubbyTronic SuperDome or whatever the hell it's called)

The camera is on the table, then Tinky Winky skips into the dome, holding his red purse.

"Eh oh!" Tinky Winky says to the crowd.

"Go fuck yourself!" Yells an audience member.

"Get out of my face!" Screams a guy known as the Angry Beaver.

Narrator: One day in Teletubbyland, Tinky Winky made some tubby pancakes.

"Ooh!" Tinky Winky jumps up and down excitedly! "Tubby pancakes!" Tinky Winky goes to the kitchen, gets a tubby pancake and puts on the pan!

"Tubby pancakes!" shouts Tinky Winky!

"We're not stupid! Hurry up and make your shit so I can go home!" yelled a blonde woman.

"Tubby pancakes!" shouts Tinky Winky again, jumping up and down and dancing.

"Good God, where is the love scene?" yells a black guy from the audience.

Tinky Winky looks to the camera man, who is half drunk at this point. He then makes the pancakes, to the chagrin of the crowd, who is not pleased at all to be there.

Then, Po comes in moments later. "Eh-oh!" says Po to the crowd.

No applause whatsoever.

"BORING!" Yells Calvin from the audience.

"What the hell is that red freak?" Yells someone else.

"Po!" Tinky Winky says! Po walks up and Tinky Winky tries to give Po a kiss. No sooner that this happens, a baseball flies from the crowd, narrowly missing both Teletubbies.

Applause rings out for the first time.

"Oh no! What was that?" said Tinky Winky.

"That was a baseball." said the narrator. "Dumbass" he adds off camera.

"What are you making?" asked Po.

"Tubby Pancakes!" said Tinky Winky.

"Yay! Tubby Pancakes! Tubby Pancakes!" Po shouts, jumping up and down.

"SHUT UP!" Yells Tourettes Guy.

A high-heel flies from the audience, missing Po before she goes to sit down at the table.

"Uh-oh!" said Po, approaching the shoe. She picks it up and asks: "What's that?"

"For the love of God..." mutters the narrator. "It's a shoe." he adds nicely.

"Shoe!" Po jumps up and down.

"Give me back my fucking high heel, you dumbass!" A studio audience member tries to charge the stage before being tackled by security.

The security guy escorts the lady back to her seat, and the show continues. Tinky Winky is almost done with the Tubby Pancakes. Then, the plot thickens some more...

(Laa-Laa then comes in. She waves to the crowd in the audience.) "Eh-oh!" she coos.

"Fuck you!" one audience member screams!

"You're so annoying! Stop interrupting the movie!" screamed Angry Beaver guy.

"I've shit better looking turds than you!" screamed a science teacher.

"Eh-oh, Tinky Winky! Eh-oh, Po!" says Laa-Laa.

"Eh-oh!" they reply back.

"What you doing?" asks Laa-Laa curiously.

"Tubby Pancakes" says Tinky Winky.

"Why the FUCK are we here?" shouts an angry race-car driver. "This is not part of my fucking probation! Fuck! FUUUUUCCCCKKKKK!" He shouts, red in the face.

"Shut your fucking ass up, or THE MACHO MAN'S GONNA EAT YOUR ASS!" screams Tourettes' Guy, annoyed by this interruption.

"Are you gay or something? Fuck you." the driver responds back.

"Come here, you bitch, I'm gonna whip your ASS!" says the Tourettes Guy.

"Will you two fuckers shut the hell up?" screamed Barney Bundy. A shoe is thrown at Barney Bundy.

"Which one of you fuckers threw that shoe? I'm gonna beat your ass!" Bundy stares down the science teacher who is giving it right back to him.

(Laa-Laa starts to cry as the audience is growing restless. Many of them are on probation for something. For what you ask? Who gives a shit. Let's continue the story.)

"Why you crying, Laa-Laa?" says Po, even though Laa-Laa has no tears coming out whatsoever.

"Audience fighting! Laa-Laa sad!" cries Laa-Laa.

The audience out of nowhere sits down and sings a happy song for no apparent reason, thus calms down. Thus, once again, the show continues. But the audience remains restless.

Laa-Laa then tries to grab a pancake, and Tinky-Winky smacks her hand with the spatula.

"Ouch!" cries Laa-Laa!

"THAT'S TELETUBBY ABUSE! YOU BASTARD! I'M GONNA WHUP YOUR ASS!" screams a feminist. The crowd starts to boo.

"Not yet. Tubby pancakes not ready." says Tinky Winky. Laa-Laa then goes and sits down, hands on her hips.

"ASSHOLE!" screams the security guy.

Then, Dipsy comes in. Immediate applause. "Eh-oh!" says Dipsy.

"We love you!" screams one really hot chick, then proceeds to flash him. The audience takes out their phones to snap pics.

"Finally! Boobies!" says Angry Beaver.

"Now we have a show!" says the blonde from earlier.

"Boobs!" says Dipsy.

"Dipsy!" chides Laa-Laa and Po.

Dipsy looks back at both, then goes to Tinky Winky.

"What you doing?" says Dipsy.

"Tubby pancakes!" says Tinky Winky, jumping up and down AGAIN.

Out of nowhere, Dipsy rears back and smacks Tinky Winky across the face hard.

"Ouch! You hit me!" Tinky Winky cries. He then grabs the spatula and attempts to swat Dipsy. Dipsy runs away. The other Teletubbies give chase.

"Get his ass!" screams Calvin. It's clear whose side the audience is on.

"Wait!" says another audience member. "Those Tubby Pancakes suck! I know someone who died eating them!"

"Who?" says Barney Bundy.

"Your MOM!" the guy says back.

"Aw HELL no!" screams Barney Bundy. The audience turns their anger towards Tinky Winky. Several members get in line to commence with an ass-whupping of epic proportions, the security guy included in the crowd.

"Uh-oh!" says Tinky Winky. "Run away! Run away!" He tries to run away, but he doesn't see the spunk that is on the ground. He immediately slips in the spunk and falls on his back.

"Ow...my back! Tinky Winky back broke!" moans Tinky Winky!

"That's what you get, asshole!" screams Tourettes Guy, flipping his middle fingers to Tinky Winky. The woman with the missing heel grabs it and smacks Tinky Winky with it.

Thunderous applause breaks out, even from the cameraman. Dipsy and the crew dance to "Rock Your Body", bumping and grinding away, while Tinky Winky lies there with no help whatsoever. His back is hurt, and sadly, so is his very soul. To make matters worse, his purse was completely emptied out and the contents strewn all over Teletubbyland. Finally, the camera man kicks him off the stage, literally.

Meanwhile, a good time was to be had by all, including the cameraman and the narrator.

End.

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